we will always do what we tell ourselves not to.

i want you to try this exercise.

close your eyes, and tell yourself for about 15 times “i will not see a white elephant.”

open your eyes and continue reading when you’re done.

did you see the elephant? or parts of it? or other kinds? anything like an elephant? this is because your brain, as most of you know, is split into two different parts (for the most part.) by logic and creativity. the logic side is very confused when you’re telling it to NOT see the elephant. the creativity side fixes this problem by making the picture, and the logic is side is not confused anymore! haha.

and think about it. if you tell yourself NOT to do something, you’ll do it. if i feel like crying and i tell myself not to, i start to.

the best way to deal with this is to envision yourself doing something OTHER than that act you are trying not to do. for example, if you don’t want to get drunk and puke your guts out, don’t tell yourself you won’t drink. how many of us have said we’d “never drink again” or “never” drink that certain alcohol again. COME ON. envision yourself being offered a drink and you saying no to it.

never say never.

valentine’s day was aight. i had class till 2 and i picked up cesar and we got his check, cashed it, got a movie (the last kiss), ate KFC/taco bell, went to dominick’s and jewel, sweet tomatoes and got a room. we ate soo much at sweet tomatoes. we watched the last kiss in the room and it sucked. he brought his fondue set so we had strawberries, pineapple and raspberries with white chocolate and sipped on champage. we got a bottle of moet and chandon and some other bottle. i was uncomfortable from eating too much and wished we had spent that $20 on half a G instead. i wasn’t in a good mood and fell asleep kinda tipsy. we didn’t even shower together. the next morning, i took him with me to class. we ate at KFC AGAIN for lunch hehe we are addicts!

we hit up target afterwards and got two tank tops, a print shirt and a little sweater. after that, i discovered i left my chanel necklace in the room, then dropped him off and went to work 5:30-11. today cesar’s dad called me at 6:38 in the AM looking for cesar...turns out he was trying to stop his drunk and geeking brother from stabbing this guy that he ratted out on (but claims he didn’t rat him out). whatever. today i’m going to work out, buy anberlin tix, see if best buy will fix my ipod and work 4-12. not fun but i need the moneys! no work saturday OR sunday and i think saturday some people are going to medusa (mission).

i want these.

i went shopping and i heard this amazing jam! a boston more than a feeling remix. AMAZING.

crazy weekend! so much fun!

let’s start with some awful events. so, i slept over at cesar’s that night and it was a nice time. however, i decided to sleep longer than normally. i usually leave around 4 through the front door when his parents are still asleep. however, i had to climb through the window because this was around 8 or 9...so he was giving me a hug and his mom walks in and i duck under the covers. she pretty much knew someone was there because i totally didn’t cover my fucking feet hah...so i hop out the window and he comes with because i was gonna drive him to his job training. so i go out and...

my car isn’t there anymore.

i flip out and start to cry and freak. obviously, it was towed. there’s a sign in his complex that says all cars without stickers will be towed...i knew this, but they’ve never towed before. and now, apparently, they have their tow trucks towing people again. so, cesar believed it was at wheel inn down the street, so we walked there. it’s about a mile and a half-two mile walk. we get there and the lady there tells us they only do police towings.

FUCKKK

so we trudge through the cold snow and wind back, stopping at mcdonald’s for a diet coke on the way. on the way home, i remembered that the info for the towing place is in his building. we try calling people to give us a ride to this place but no luck. fucking finally, as we were walking to other people’s houses, his brother and dad agree to take us there. it was in northbrook and shit. so we get there, pay $150 (UGHHHH) to get it out and my car is loud as a race car. i thought they done fucked it up and they say it’s just rusted. so i just go home and whatever.

melissa picks me up and takes us to ISU. it was about two hours and we talked the whole time so it wasn’t too bad. we got there and got situated. to be honest, i’m not too sure about what we did. i can’t remember...if i had wrote this the day after, i would remember every event but whatever. here’s the skeletal idea of what we did. haa pretty much drink and watch movies all weekend.

i know we ate and then got ready to go out. we went to julie’s cousin tom’s house to pre-game, but ended up staying there. we even pre-gamed for the pre-game HAHA with my goldschlager. so we played drinking games and just had fun. then melissa and i played beer pong and we pwned and had the best time ever! i loveeeddd it haha

yep

then we watched waiting and van wilder and went to the mall and i got... a cream knit hat, black jacket with big buttons, dinosaur tee and gray mittens. and maybe some other crap i don’t remember. then we went to tom’s again and we were drinking and the next thing i know, i turn around and there’s a cop at the door. HA COOL.

well, a few people stole a large sign from a construction sign and brought it to tom’s so the cop just wanted it back and that’s it. and one of our friends got arrested. not too sure why. she didn’t do anything. then we went back to the dorms, i think i got mad for some reason and then i talked to cesar for half an hour then passed out and the next thing i know, julie’s in the dorm doing something. then i wake up, walk around, and then pass out again. the next day i think we may have watched more movies and stuff then i wanted to go to fusion cafe, a place like liquid fusion with the bubble drinks. we couldn’t find it and when we did, we found out it was closed on sundays.

so melissa, me and nic went on 55 and started to head home. about 40 minutes into the trip, melissa can’t accelerate anymore. so i told her to just pull over, let it relax and try again in a few minutes. well, a few minutes passed and we tried to turn it on and it definitely wouldn’t start. melissa tried calling triple A but she didn’t know her card number and her mom wasn’t picking up her phone.

we had nic run down the highway to this mile marker to try and see what number is it. he runs funny...and a few cars asked him if he wanted a ride haha. we chilled for a while and then my favorite people in the world show up: COPS. they ask what’s up and whatnot and we can’t find her proof of insurance and they called a tow truck. i was kinda scared ‘cause we had two open bottles of liquor. but anyway, we towed the truck seven miles north to a tow called dwight. it cost melissa $120 just for that. we sat in this diner called “that 50’s place” and i got these macaroni and cheese wedges which were probably the most amazing thing ever. however, i asked for vegetables instead of my french fries and a diet coke for my drink and the waitress laughed and i looked at her and she said “oh i’m not laughing at you...well...yeah i am.” and walked away. wtf?!

and she ended up forgetting my diet coke and i ended up forgetting to tip. OOPS!

nic left and we decided to have our friend roacha pick us up. he is AMAZING. he drove all the way from arlington heights to this crappy town. he tried to jump start it and it wouldn’t work. i grabbed an energy drink with some joker on it and we tried to go to an auto place but it was closed and they had no drop box so we just left them at a chrysler dealership. in the end, basically the car had to be junked because there was no hope. it was probably the oil. it was acting funny when we got into normal.

so we went home and i wanted to go to liquid fusion with cesar but my mom was being a bitch about it as usual. whatever. we got LF and i explained all the pictures we took and i was very happy. that’s bout ittt.

tuesday i got picked up by tony, billy and cesar and we went to soccer city where moe works. it’s an indoor soccer place. they watched a little and i drank some tequila and ended up getting very buzzed haha then we went to brunswick to meet up with billy’s crazy bitch girlfriend tria...who wasn’t even there! but she showed up later. then we picked up on a g and then decided to go to tria’s friend, mike’s, home in the city. a few of them played stupid rummy and cessar and i played some catchphrase and played with kitties and blew.

however, billy was geeking out BIG TIME and mike got very pissed. you see, when billy geeks, he won’t shut the fuck up. when we’re all geeking, we ALL want to talk. but he won’t stop. which pisses me off. so mike got pissed and there was some fighting and tria and him fought and i don’t really know haha. then we went home and on the way i tried to force myself into sobriety which was no good.

all in all, i had fun somehow just because i was kinda drunk and geeking.

wednesday cesar and i did some shopping hehe. i got new birkenstocks, camouflage sneaker chain flats, brown flats with a buckle from shoe carnival. brown racerback top with pink and blue spots and lace around the edges from old navy. we also hit up tons of dominick’s and pretty much got a lot of food, some movies, a new toothbrush, etc. we went to barnes and noble and got the college humor guide to college, 101 things to do before you’re old and boring and some notebook diary. also went to whole foods. etc. we even did a bump when we started everything and i was extremely hyper and happy haha then i drank some sugar-free red bulls and i was off the walls.

yesterday i went to macroeconomics and took a test woo. unfortunately, i was totally going to do a bump before we took the test so i could concentrate better, however, cesar and i did it all wednesday haha i totally forgot. ANYWAY so between my classes on tuesdays and thursdays i have an hour and a half break to go do whatever i want before going back to ethics. i tend to go shopping. so i went to plato’s closet with two grocery bags of stuff to try and sell. they wouldn’t buy ANYTHING. are you fucking kidding me. they said they were old labels and shit. fuck that. i’ve seen older labels and outdated styles on the racks. fuckers.

so i had a $25 off a $50 purchase so i did some shopping. stupidly, i did not get jeans. HOWEVER i did get:
khaki green skirt from aeo, orange a&f sweatshirt, brown j. crew skirt, white a&f tee that says “LIVE LOVE GIVE LOVE”, a purple tee with a gun and hearts that says “SOME CALL ME THE GANGSTA OF LOVE”, bright yellow tank top from a&f (i have it in gray), light yellow racerback top from express, and an amazingly lux sweater...it has a cowl neck which folds down and on the front of it, it says ARMANI and on the back EXCHANGE and there’s a zipper on left side. i think i went to barne's and noble and i got "how to not look fat", the bad girls guide to getting what you want and nicole richie's book the truth about diamonds. BOOKSBOOKSSSSS

so my ipod won’t turn on. i am freaking out. i haven’t been dropping it or anything. what if i have to get a new one, i don’t have a warranty? if that happens, i think i will beg and possibly cry. most likely.

this is such a waste of my time, it’s pathetic

last weekenddd

friday i got picked up by billy,cesar and tony and we went to soccer city to wait for moe to get off work. i got significantly tipsy off of tequila then we went into the city and i got reallyyyyy wasted and ended up trying to make myself puke. it was a success and a failure in itself.

saturday we went to the city again and i got tipsy and then drama happened. nothing too special.

sunday i went to katelyn (a co-worker)’s house for a super bowl party and i brought cesar and moe. i got drunk and had soo much fun...and cesar and i ended up in her bathroom the whole night NOT doing what you’d think: we were talking the WHOLE time. i’d say we talked for over six hours or something. it was great! and we didn’t sleep at all, for obvious reasons. we left around 9 and i got a smoothie from robek’s and moe got mcdonald’s. cesar was tweeking out because his heart was racing really fast and i was scared he was gonna OD haha RIGHT but he was fine, just freakin out. we got food at dog walk. then i napped for two hours and went to work and sat the whole time reading. i also didn’t go to school. PRODUCTIVE.

wednesday after class cesar and i went to vernon hills...we hit up KFC<333 then we went to plato’s closet to try and sell my old crap but they only wanted my rampage purse and they offered $1.38. i pretty much told them to fuck off. apparently, my stuff is too “old” and has to be within the year. WHATEVER so from there i got plaid shorts, an american eagle pink with white sports and stars spaghetti top, purple and black satiny lacey top and goldenrod thermal victoria’s secret pants with a floral print and PINK on the butt. cuute.

then we went to lollicup and my drink was veryvery disappointing. his was amazing. we went to goodwill and i went wilddd. i got a chocolate brown american eagle corduroy skirt, purple and light pink striped banana republic 3/4 top, light blue and yellow striped collared ralph lauren polo shirt, pink abercrombie polo with a pink moose, plaid skirt, banana republic pinstripe pants, burgundy banana republic no sleeve collar shirt, royal blue sweater with green and turquoise argyle...we also got a blanket for when we cuddle to put down on the floor or couch. we don’t have the luxury of sleeping on a bed. -_- wtf is this

then we went to barne’s and noble and i got a “modern girls guide to life” and a doodle notebook. then we went to taco bell and kfc...again ahah for taquitos and, of course, ALWAYS, a KFC snacker. we also hit up dominick’s...i forget what for. then we went home and watched wedding crashers and fell asleep.

thursday i had school and work. blegh. then i slept over at cesar’s. friday i went to jewel with cesar...we picked up on a stoli raspberry for me and he got a huge heineken keg. we also got sandwiches. i dropped him off cause he had work to go to, and i went to carson’s and got red, white and blue plaid shorts and a 3/4 royal blue top with oversize buttons, as well as white boxers for cesar for v-day. i’m gonna kiss them with red lipstick. then i went to victoria’s secret and got light green capri pants with bunnies on them that say “bunny” and “le lapin” on them, with pink waistband tie and ankle ties...CUTEE and a white racerback with the dog and lace on the bottom,a longgggg sleeve white top that says “IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE” and a mint green tee-shirt that says “J’ADORE PINK” different times with different colors and details. and i got a thin white satin headband and pink huge button earrings.

in like five minutes katelyn is picking me up and we're going to bradley with her friend katelyn and sara to meet up with her bff lindsay. we gon partay and tomorrow is ISU. probably will meet up with melissa cause she's going down too. AHHH YES fun!!!!!!!!! i'm gonna miss cesar again but it's okay...i'm only gonna be gone for a few days. he needs to trust me more. seriously. i just need to hang out with girls sometimes. i love him and will miss him but i need time to myself. i'm not gonna do anything stupid.
i need to stop going out...my parents are probably pissed. mehh. plus i need to chillax. for real. i've been getting droked out every day. drunk and coked out.

valentine’s dayyy!! we’re gonna get a room and spend the whole day and night there. maybe go out for dinner or just stay in with it. dunno. i’m excited. mostly because we get to sleep in a bed.

i fucking can't wait for summer. i'm already shopping for it and being so excited. i can't wait to wear all the spring and summer fashions (skirts!). however, i definitely need to start working out regularly...i wish i was skinny like two summers ago...so skinny and unhappy but skinny. and to look good in summer clothes ya gotta be skinny.
plus, it's around my period so i want to eat everything in sight. the past few days i haven't been eating much at all because...well yeah the product i do kills your appetite and if you lick it, your tongue gets numb so even drinking stuff feels weird as fuck. even if you don't lick it, the back of your throat gets numb from the drip. COOL so eating normally feels so weird haha and it's great i eased myself in with a lot of kfc and taco bell :(:(

ANYWAY partytimeee

it’s national cheese lover’s day!!

okay another amazing day

i will only have a few more days where i can do whatever the fuck i want, because every day i’ll either have class or work. so, i’m trying to do tons of crap on my days off. on these days, i tend to travel and discover new things and do some shopping. i spend the whole day out and have the best time. i LOVE these days. today is another, however, i doubt i’m going anywhere hehe...wednesday is my last day off, pretty much. i have the weekend off and i will be traveling...to friggin ISU!

soo yesterday cesar and i decided to go to harlem and irving park (HIP) and the chicago area around there. first, we hit up k-mart. yep...k-mart. i got two pairs of underwear and cesar ended up with a bratz mp3 player. wtf?! we also got some starbucks doubleshot lights and red bulls (sf for meee). we went to border’s but they had NONE of the books i wanted. i spent a good chunk of time at work the other day looking up books on barne’s and noble hehe. then we went in the mall to hot topic first. i got a hellogoodbye tee, the academy is... tee and a pink 3/4 henley thermal with airplanes. and another cupcake thermal because i tried to take off the ink tags myself and...that it broke on me haha dayum those things are GLASS. walked around, went to target and i got a gray and pink lacy bra oo-la-la and cesar got two shirts. then i got gold and pearl drop earrings from forever 21, and then a green sweater, gray zip-up hoodie, light blue lacey tank top with dark blue hearts all over, and a long sleeve gray thermal with blue and yellow stars all over it. then, a ruby and silver and gold bracelet and a diamond bracelet with two rings.

yess.

by this time, i’m getting cranky and hungry. plus, cesar had taken some energy drinks and was getting annoying hahaha, so we went to jewel. for me, i got babybel laughing cow cheese (best cheese ever) and a strawberry-yellow cake-vanilla pudding-whipped cream cup. AHH<3 then we hit up burlington coat factory, i got a green and brown top and we saw cameras over the dressing rooms. WEIRD. and probably illegal. actually, i’m pretty sure it is.

we decided to hit up about three dominick’s. in total:

butter toffee walnuts, teriyaki beef steak jerkey, creme brulee white chocolate wedges, grenadine, cheese-and-cracker combo, vanilla almond soy milk, orange mango juice, a single serve mac-n-cheese, fudge dipped rice krispies sticks, mini valentine’s kissables, extra cheddar goldfish 100 calorie packs. AND! a bottle of grand marnier (orange flavored cognac), jose cuervo tropina (pineapple flavored tequila), a bottle of goldshlager, and a bottle of korbel brut champagne. unfortunately, right after we got that champagne, the next dominick’s we went to had moet en chandon white star champagne. FUCK haha.

we went to toys ‘r us and i got catchphrase! yes! love that game!!

then we picked up moe and we went to my job to play pool and get my check. however, the girls were being bitches asking if they could kick my boyfriend out haha. well, i did tell them how he’s ridiculously jealous. then we went to arlington lanes, did a tiny bump and went inside. it was a beaner-sausage-fest, so we had to leave, otherwise...shit would have gone down for sure haha...so we went all the way to effing brunswick and drank and played. i think i got tipsy because i knocked the cues over a lot and tripped more than usual. aaaahaaaa then we went back home and cesar and i sipped on some champagne. after one small glass, the bubbles got to my head hehe i was happily tipsy. then we had an amazing night and passed out until about 12:15 hahaha yesss then i had to jump out the window and run away hahahaa fun. if his dad found me in the house...NO good hehe. it was a lot of fun, i haven’t drank in two weeks. well, i had a shot of jagermeister last weekend and a sip of bud light.

now i’m home. fully rested. i have decided that i need to go thrifting more often and get brand name clothes and re-sell them to plato’s closet. getting something for nothing! i have also decided that this summer, i am going to see dave matthew’s band, dammit. i wanted to go last year SO bad but...never happened. it will this year.

so, next wednesday i think i want to go to chicago and hit up the shops on belmont and clark again. and then eat at joy yee’s noodle shop, because i hear it’s very good. i read a lot about it at work hehe there’s about four locations...chinatown, by UIC, in evanston and in naperville. wheeeeeee

my mom’s totally depressed about our money situation and job situation. it makes me sad. she thinks my dad’s gonna go back to drinking. apparently, he had BIG problem with it. wow. and he gets drunk, doesn’t stop, and gets angry. and they almost broke up because of it. and he stopped because of us kids and my mom had nowhere to go if they did break up. and that’s the reason why his hands shake a lot.

dayum.

learn something new every day.
so i had to calm her down and reassure her that he won’t drink again because for one, we have two or three pale ale’s in the garage as well as a budweiser and he hasn’t touched them. plus i have like...seven bottles in my room lmao oh man. it’s interesting how i have so much alcohol but i’m not a huge drinker. i can now see how i COULD be, and how I COULD become a big smoker, because it’s half of my genetics. but it’s just not me.

but i must say i am very glad that i don’t have a very addictive personality.

so in order to deal with all of the depression at home, i’m so glad i work a lot and have school almost every day. and then i pretty much either come home late from work or come home for a bit and go out again.

i need to stop typing before i give away secrets and shit hehe or make your head explode from reading so much.